10 THINGS WORSE THAN BEING HOMELESS!

I was homeless for about a year. Was it the worst thing that ever happened to me? Not even close, I can think of ten things that were far worse:

  1. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL — If there is a hell it will look exactly like my Junior High. I used to get the crap beat out of me while the teachers watched! Sometimes they joined in!

  2. HIGH SCHOOL — Almost as bad as Junior High, not quite hell, more like purgatory!

  3. A TESTICULAR EXAM — Given to me by this old doctor. He would examine me (without using gloves) with his old man hands and crush what used to be my testicles! I would try to pull away, and he would yell, "Ree-lax! Ree-lax!"

  4. BEING FLASHED BY MY GRANDMA'S BOOBS — Not intentionally of course. The dear woman would wear these tent dresses that exposed everything when she leaned over! It was a horrifying sight! To this day I am still nearsighted and have to wear contact lenses!

  5. DISCOVERING A LONG WHITE HOSE — In my grandparents bathroom. It was attached to the water nozzle on the tub. At age six I couldn't imagine why. Were they planting a garden in the there?

  6. MY EX-GIRLFRIEND'S MOTHER — Whispering in my ear, in the middle of the night, with her hot old lady breath, "Marry my daughter…marry my daughter…" (Creepy!)

  7. STANDING IN LINE AT THE DMV — Why can't we all just register our cars once and be done with it? One hundred years ago cowboys didn't have to register their horses. Can you imagine John Wayne putting up with that kind of crap? The Duke would have shot the place up.

  8. HAVING A HOT GIRL TELL YOU — "Let's just be friends." Noooooooooo!

  9. GOING TO A DAVE MATTHEWS CONCERT - Who the hell is buying his records anyways?

  10. GOING TO A REALLY BAD IMPROV SHOW — At no point in my year of homelessness did it ever get that bad. I would rather have colorectal surgery without a painkiller than sit through one of those shows.

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